Buffalo Blog

Gotham City Ninjas

To quote a professional:

Ninjas can kill anyone they want!  Ninjas cut off heads  ALL the time and don't even think twice about it.  These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time.  I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner.  And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town.  My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

So that's when I was totally shocked to hear that there is a restaurant in New York where the Ninjas don't just flip out and kill you, but serve you sushi and sake. It's called Ninja: New York. It is a $3.5 million dollar, 6,000-square-foot recreation of two 18th-century, mountainside Japanese villages, Iga and Kouga, the birthplace of Ninja warrior lore (more info an a review at LowerManhattan.info). So, if you're looking to have your mind blown and you're in the greater NYC area, head on over for the deadliest dinner of your life. If you manage to make it out of the place alive, let me know how it is. If you're too scared to go yourself, this video (clearly designed to lure victims to their lair) gives you an idea of what they want you to expect. But you can't anticipate a ninja's moves, so the only thing you can expect is the unexpected.

Before I wrap this post up, I have to give credit where credit is due. I did not discover this totally rad restaurant by myself. My friend Juan tipped me off. I think Juan may in fact be a ninja, but don't let him know you know, or it will be the last thing you ever know. He's working on a top secret new business venture, and I'm sure it will be awesome. If you're interested, head over to his blog inluu territory to find out how it's going.

The Daily Chuckle

A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The Next One is the First Song on Our New Album

So, by now, you've finally realized that I have a few tricks up my sleeve. The Church Sign in my previous post was not a real church sign. I generated it using the Church Sign Generator. It's a slick little site that lets you pick from five different church signs and input your own custom message. They also have the Concert Ticket Generator, Vinyl Record Generator, Cassette Tape Generator, and many more.

Yeah, I wish I could take credit for finding these things out in the wild, but I'm not that talented. But I put this challenge to you. What's the best thing you can generate? Post your best generation in the comments section and we'll see who's got the chops for corporate marketing.

I personally, think that the Buffalo Blog's new executive seal is pretty honking sweet. Peep it:

A Brief History of TV

Don't have much time to post, but I watched about 3 minutes of this and wanted to make sure you all saw it. Now, go find someone to reminisce about the good old days with

And the winner is...

No surprises here... the hometown hero comes through in the end and wins the title of "Buffalo Blog's Feline Idol."

It was a hard fought battle across three fronts: Monkey got off to a quick lead, and then Mr. Sandwich put in a bid for first place before Shelby stepped in and carried the lead for the next several days. However, in the clutch, Mr. Sandwich was able to pull in some last-minute votes to pull out the win.

Thanks everyone for playing, but really, did you think Mr. Sandwich could possibly lose? I mean, seriously? And for any doubters, take a look at the final vote count.

In other news, I think Monkey has been leading a double life. Take a look at this video and tell me that isn't our very own beefy-boy climbing ladders to some catchy John Williams beats?

Prepare to be boarded!

Ahoy me maties. I can't believe I almost missed it. This beauty of a day comes but once a year and I'm a filthy bilge rat for almost missin' it. Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. So, buckle your swashes, bid farewell and adieu to the fair Spanish ladies, and get yer pirate on. Arrrrg!

Oh, and in case ye be wondering:

I am The Cap'n!
Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

Discover yer inner pirate and share it in the comments. Oh, I almost forgot to ask. Has anybody heard about that new pirate movie? I think it's rated Arrrrrg! And the rumor is that the MPAA said it needed an adult rating because of all the booty!

Who will be Buffalo Blog's Feline Idol?

The day has finally come. When three fierce competitors will face off to determine who truly is the cutest cat on the Buffalo Blog. I appreciate everyone's patience while I made this post. I recently had some visitors in town for the week and some people (Parker) took their sweet time getting me some photos of their alleged cat. But, the photos are in. So without further ado, let's move right on to the games:

In the Tabby corner, wearing his fattest trunks, we have the adorable Monkey. His charms include sleeping soundly, pleasing his plumpness, causing trouble, and working part time as a stunt-double for Jabba the Hut. Please give a warm Buffalo Blog welcome to Moooooonnnnkeeeeeey!

Dreaming of gigantic mice...

When he sits around the house, he sits around the house.

Monkey the Hut, King of the (Mouse) Bounty Hunters

And in the lady's corner, wearing mittens and a purple collar we have Shelby. She likes cavorting collarless in her birthday suit, taking long crawls through cardboard tubes, and being treated like the princess she is. Please give a big hello to the spunky, never chunky, white-paw quick-draw, Sheeeeellllllby!

The Princess will see you now

Look into those adorable eyes

"Doesn't this tube look fabulous with me inside?"

In the hometown corner, wearing an all-black velveteen suit is Mr. Sandwich. He likes hunting for bugs, practicing his Kung Fu, snuggling like a sugar bear, and being a Mama's boy. When he's not keeping the humans up, he's napping under the bed and getting locked in the closet. Let's all put our hands (or paws) together for the gentleman brawler, the sultan of suave, the bad boy of Seattle, Miiisteeer Saaaaaandwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich!!!

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...

Cat on a hot tin hotplate

It's always a good time for a nap (except when it's bedtime)

Now you've met our contestants. The choice is in your hands. Who will be Buffalo Blog's Feline Idol? Will it be the mondo-mouser, Monkey? The sultry she-devil, Shelby? Or the mighty-man from meerkat land, Mr. Sandwich? Cast your votes now. This is for all the bragging rights and a year's supply of humble pie to the losers. You may vote once per day, so sharpen those claws and ready your paws, the polls are now open. Votes will be tallied and the winner announced on September 20, 2006. Let's get it on:

Who should be Buffalo Blog's Feline Idol?
	Monkey
	Shelby
	Mr. Sandwich
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Update: The polls have officially closed at 7:35 p.m. PDT.

. . .

I took some time off from blogging for a little bit because there was a lot going on. But, I'm back now. And, as I can see from my teeming, screaming, fans, my presence was greatly missed (Thanks Parker and Nate for getting me back on the wagon). But I missed the ole Buffalo Blog, so it's time to rekindle the magic. I have a lot to update you on, but I figure, why cram it all into this post, when I can create lots and lots of posts to tell you all about my adventures over the last few weeks. But I will say, that there have been some exciting things on the internets recently. Here are three of them:

• Human Space Invaders —
  

  
  Try here if the video doesn't play

• Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence — The Onion takes a dig at Wikipedia by running a fabulous story. Here's a taste of the genius:

  The commemorative page is one of the most detailed on the site, rivaling entries for Firefly and the Treaty Of Algeron for sheer length. Subheadings include "Origins Of Colonial Discontent," "Some Famous Guys In Wigs And Three-Cornered Hats," and "Christmastime In Gettysburg." It also features detailed maps of the original colonies—including Narnia, the central ice deserts, and Westeros—as well as profiles of famous American historical figures such as Benjamin Franklin, Special Agent Jack Bauer, and Samuel Adams who is also a defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals.

• Room Defender debuts on Ubergizmo — For about $50, you can have the ultimate in cool-but-worthless geek security: A 24-round sentry robot with four attack modes to guard your stuff. Sure it only fires foam disks, but damn if it isn't the coolest toy I've seen in ages.

So, that's the news from me. Stay tuned for some details on what took place during "Buffalo's 42-Days of Silence."

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...

Come with me, if you will, on a journey of both sight and sound. The time is 11:58 PM, you are sleeping peacefully in bed, dreaming of those things which bring you joy. You are frolicking in the bliss of your imagination. Some drool collects on your pillow and you let out a soft snufflish-snort, but definitely not a snore. Everything is at peace...

This is the Seattle Police! Come out or you will get bit! I repeat: Come out now or you will get bit!

A loud voice rips through your dreams and startles you awake. A German Sheppard barks sharply, loudly, repeatedly...

Woof! WOOF! Woof! Come out now! WOOF! WOOF! This is the Seattle Police!

In a panic you shoot out of bed. Red and blue lights flash across your ceiling. Heavy footsteps can be heard racing across your walkway. A garbage can crashes to the ground. "What the fuck is going on?" You think. "Did they finally find out that I was the one who fed the hamster crayons and made him shit colors in the 4th grade?" The adrenaline starts pumping and you are wide awake. Then you realize what is going on: the cops are chasing an actual criminal. One who just happened to think that hiding under your neighbor's car was a pretty good idea. One who is about to get bit by a ferocious sounding German Shepard if he doesn't put his hands where the officer can see them and come out from under the car. He can see you; a fact he has repeated at least half a dozen times.

Goddammit! Woof! WOOF! woof! There's another one. He's headed north! I repeat, he's headed north. 200 yards south of the scene. I have one suspect, the other is headed north.

You climb out of bed, making sure that none of the 12 cops trampling your beautiful grass can see you just in time to see the perp being dragged out from under the car. The German Sheppard happily laying down in the street, God's fear successfully instilled in everybody in the neighborhood. You spend the next 30 minutes watching the cops come and go, frisking the suspect, sorting his belongings and eventually disappearing back into the night.

Still with me? Good, now you have had the same pleasure that I had Tuesday night when I was rudely awakened by what seemed to be the entire Seattle police force. Not to say it wasn't exciting, but it took me about 2 hours to fall back asleep after the incident, and even then, I kept having dreams that the cops were after me. I'd love to link you all to the police report, or a blurb in the local police blotter, but Seattle doesn't have one of those. So, you'll have to make do with my version, unless you happen to see an episode of Cops: Seattle, because it so totally would have made the A roll.

One of my best ideas

So, I'm just sitting here, soaking up the Sunday television, watching a little 8th & Ocean (Best. Model-base reality television show. Evar. Plus, a little nipple slip here and there never hurts). But that is neither here nor there. What is here, and not there, is that I don't think I like working for the man anymore. So, I'm thinking about starting my own enterprise. I'm not sure what that enterprise will be. One idea I had was Bartari.

Bartari was something I came up with in DC, because it combines two of my favorite things: drinking and video games (Bar + Atari = Bartari). The idea is simple, take a bar, put in 10-20 retro style video games, and enjoy. In order to get people in the door, you could hold high score competitions for Pac-Man, Joust, and Galaga. I'd hang out there. Throw in a little pong and some real-life air-hockey and you have yourself an awesome bar. And guess what's on the TV? Not sports. No. Something much, much nerdier: Sci-fi movies, G4-TV, and trivia. I'm saying, it's a goldmine. But, alas, I'm not much of a restaurateur. And, for opening night, we could get this kid to promote the event. So, I've been thinking about other ideas. But, I'll save those for another post. For now. Ponder the genius that is Bartari. Feel free to open your own local franchise. I'll organize delivery of video games, and commemorative napkins, the rest is up to you.

Or, if opening a bar is too much work for you, you can invent your own Ben & Jerry's flavor. I did. Now, I'm just waiting for the telephone call in which I'm offered a job as head Ice-cream flavor creator for BJs. They are picking five though, so that leaves enough room for my three readers to invent some tasty treats as well. Then we can take over Ben & Jerry's and then the world!